It’s the first of January 2025 and it’s time for looking back on 2024. Up until 20th of October this year, it was probably the best year I’ve had in a decade, and it’s not an overstatement.
Work
The work part is going well. Business is going ok. I’m getting better at focusing and doing the parts I dislike. I’ve also started taking other gigs from other companies, helping me break the monotony of having a single activity and the risk of a single source of income. Note for the reader: I’m a freelance in cybersecurity (previously known as computer and information security), focusing on embedded devices.
Last year, one of my goals was to do security research and present it at a major security conference. That’s what I did! I presented research on TLD security from the attack surface provided by DNSSEC.
I also gave a series of lectures on cryptography and information security. I enjoyed it but the context wasn’t right for me to thrive into it.
I participated to a F/OSS SSH developers meeting, but due to timing and mood swings it wasn’t as productive for me as I expected when it was planned. It was really nice to meet so many great developers in person, though!
Astronomy
2024 was a particularly bad year for astronomy due to a pattern of bad weather. However I still managed to take a few decent pictures:
I was lucky enough to see the Northen Lights twice this year! The first time was in May, all I had to do was step outside of the house and take this amazing picture:
I went on a small astronomy backpack trip during my vacation in Greece. I walked alone (14 km) on a mountain path and took this picture. I didn’t process the pictures in the end, but the instant of silence and standing alone in the Milky Way was worth it.
I spent one week at Saint Véran, pic de Chateau-Renard in Southern France. This is a professionally-equipped observatory dedicated to the discovery of astronomy by motivated amateur astronomers. We founded a small group of 10 astronomers, wrote a project plan and were given a week in October to use the facilities. What we did there is worth another blog post.
We were extremely lucky and experienced Aurora Borealis on a clear night! These events are rare because they happen mostly during the solar activity peaks (roughly on a cycle of 11 years) and this one was so high, it could be seen from South of France.
I saw a few comets too! The first one was in April and the second one in October right after Saint Véran.
Health
My physical health improved dramatically this year. I went from running time to time a few kilometers a week to consistently running at least thrice a week. My set goal in the tracking app is 25km a week and 2 activities. I also go to the gym every other week, where my goal is mostly to not lose muscle. I ran 1025km in 2024 which is more than double of 2023. I also joined a running club and ran in an official race. I’ll continue in 2025. Together with a better diet, I lost most than 15 kilos and it dramatically improved my self confidence about my body.
Exercising consistently improved my sleep, anxiety and body issues. However I have a feeling of diminishing returns and I gained some weight back in November despite running more kilometers. Which is related to the fact the I’m an anxiety eater, going to the subject of:
Mental health
One of my objectives this year was to make significant progress to my difficulties with lack of motivation, difficulties to focus and pathological procrastination. I passed a series of psychological tests and I’m most definitively neurodivergent (the WAIS-IV is not over the top but completely asymmetrical) and the questionnaire-based tests indicate that I have ADHD, as confirmed by the neurologist. This is validating my experience but not directly actionable. I tried medication a few years ago but it didn’t help. The diagnosis is making it easier for me to get actual help from the medical field (to go a bit farther than “did you consider using a planner?”). This is one of the big milestones for 2025.
From this momentum, I bought myself (I mean, my incorporated company bought) a beautiful used car from a luxury brand. I wanted a classy EV that was not Tesla. I spent two months learning to not apologize for driving a beautiful car. Not everyone understands.
Another goal from 2024 was to get back to dating business. A small attempt at connecting back with a crush from high school failed but motivated me to go on with exercising and diet. With me being happier with my physical appearance and being in the best mental shape I’ve ever been in the last 10 years, in August I thought I was ready for the dating apps1.
It was the first time I was dating again in 20 years. The codes have changed. I felt completely lost. The dating apps are dehumanizing, extremely detrimental to mental health and you shouldn’t go on them if you thrive validation, because they bring the opposite. All of this between the lack of opportunities, the unenthusiastic girls who answer twice a week and the risk of finding someone who catches your eye but doesn’t reciprocate. And when I finally got to meet someone in person, I didn’t know how to behave, what to ask, so I just went and be my natural self.
- If I could change fonts here, I’d use something like Frankenstein or a font from horror movies. ↩︎
At some point I think I found a unicorn. We exchanged thousands of messages before we first met. We are aligned on many issues, same humor, same interests, except for one thing: my lack of dating experience and my (perceived) faster emotional pace. She broke it up after I said something simultaneously touching and inappropriate and has no interest in coming back. This fucked me up for a few weeks and I’m still very bitter about it. This episode unlocked years of unresolved emotional issues that I thought were patched. I worked a lot on that for the last two months and will continue this year.
Now I can’t help but compare every other new romantic interaction with the one we once had together and that’s hard on me. I’ve had a few women ghost me at the wrong time. I have a lot of learning margin in that area (I’m not asking for advice, it’s a rant), so I expect much better from 2025 than the mess I’ve made out of myself since end of October. I wish I broke my leg instead of installing that app back then, it would be healed by now.
I wrote a song. This is the adaptation of the classic “C’est toi que je t’aime (vachement beaucoup)” from humorist group “Les Inconnus”. I wrote it to make fun of my difficulties to let go and my personal insecurities. Music is a safety valve for me. BTW I think I look sexy in a blonde wig.
The state of our planet is also affecting my mental health, and it raises my eyebrows when I meet someone who claims to be indifferent. Between the coming back of Nazism in the United States and even in Europe, the environmental crisis (we’re breaking world records year after year), I’m convinced our civilization has peaked and our “best” years are behind us, at least for the next decade. My son is optimistic and I’m worried for his future in this crazy world.
Conclusion and Goals
Last year, I wrote the following list for 2024. I’m glad I made serious progress in all of these:
☑ Diagnose and start treating my concentration issues (I have a very good idea of where to start).
☑ Continue exercising and eating properly on a regular basis.
☑ Finish and publish my security research.
☑ Be more social and go back in the dating scene.
☐ Make progress with one of my two side projects: design more 3D printed astronomy stuff to sell online, and an educational electronic kit I started designing.
☐ Continue contributing to libssh, either with fresh code or by reviewing and getting merged some of the many pending merge requests.
☑ Stop spreading myself in a thousand of side-projects.
☑ Write more? Maybe start writing a book? A podcast? A Youtube channel?
This seems a good basis for the 2025 wishlist.
- Seek ADHD treatment. If the therapy I’m following doesn’t work, seek other solutions until I find something that does.
- Work on my emotional bagage and try to be more happy by myself.
- Fix my fucking mood swing and stabilize the rollercoaster.
- Finally install the damned solar panels, now that I have an EV it becomes a priority.
- Get the crack in my walls checked.
- While I’m at it, empty the junk in my garage in a garage sale or something.
- Continue dating, but stop pressurizing myself into unrealistic expectations.
- Run in official races, a good target would be twice a month.
- I’d like to take singing lessons. I understood music is important to me, my level at guitar is not bad, I’d love singing as well as I play.
- Tech goals? Not as much this year. I proved myself I could do security research last year.
- Only do something if it has a purpose for a personal goal OR I want to do it. No more aimless side quests, I don’t have energy for them anymore.